kemahuan dan tanggungjawab

aku ingin berbicara mengenai kemahuan. juga mengenai tanggungjawab. dilema dalam hati, yang semakin hampir dan keputusan harus dibuat. aku tidak ingin mengecewakan sesiapa, lagi lagi mereka yang dekat denganku.

kemahuanku. aku cuma mahu satu. terbiar untuk memilih apa yang aku pilih. untuk hidupku. untuk masa depanku. sampai bila hidup dalam keterpaksaan untuk membuat sesuatu. bila hati sudah tidak seikhlas selalu. bila hati terpaksa melakukannya atas dasar tidak suka. bila hati sudah tidak mampu menahan. sejurus keputusan yang dibuat berasa serba salah. selalu mendengar hidup berbicara. selalu disajikan dengan kata kata semangat. hanya untuk hidup.

tanggungjawabku. semua mempunyai tanggungjawab. lagi lagi buat si anak sulung. lagi lagi buat si anak lelaki. berbudi kepada mereka. hakikatnya semua orang kena. mereka meletakkan harapan yang tinggi buatmu. bukan sekadar untuk melihat kau berjaya. tetapi untuk kau mencapai semua yang kau ingin. tetapi jauh di dasar hati aku - semuanya agak mustahil. agak mustahil untuk mencapai kedua duanya. bila aku memilih kemahuan, tanggungjawab jatuh ke belakang.

tapi hakikatnya, hidupku bukanlah tanggungjawab semata mata. demi aku untuk mencapai kebebasan diri. kebebasan untuk membuat keputusan demi masa depan. kebebasan untuk menikmati hidup. bagaimana? dengan melakukan sesuatu yang aku suka. hidup ini hanya sekali. jangan kerana kemahuaanmu, tanggungjawab dilupakan sekali. tidakkah kau lupa dari tangan siapa yang menyuapmu sewaktu kecil? siapa yang memujukmu tatkala kau terjatuh dari basikal? ataupun yang sentiasa mendodoimu dengan lagu lagu irama merdu sebelum tidur? kau lupakah semua itu?

tapi bila berkata soal hati. kau simpan semua itu seketika. tolak ke tepi. memikirkan mengenai mengerjakan sesuatu yang kau benar benar suka? perasaan puas dan klimaks itu yang dikecapi. hakikatnya kau boleh. apa mereka masih bisa menunggu untuk satu ketika waktu lagi? apa mereka mempunyai masa yang panjang? itu yang kau kena pikir. masa itu semakin suntuk untuk semuanya. apa kau yakin mereka masih di sana dan bisa lagi menunggu. menunggu kau datang.

jadi, apa yang ko pilih? kemahuan? tanggungjawab? memilih untuk melakukan yang kau suka? yang bisa membahagiakanmu? memilih untuk membalas budi? memilih untuk membahagiakan mereka? keputusan harus dibuat. detik masa semakin laju, pantas. sekali kau buat keputusan, tidak ada peluang lagi untuk kau menoleh ke belakang. yang sudah berlalu, semakin laju ditelan arus. kau harus pikir yang mana terbaik untukmu. sebab kau dan aku sama, hidup untuk membuat keputusan. tetapi sejauh mana keputusanmu dipengaruhi kemahuan? atau tanggungjawab? kau sendiri pilih. :)

forgiving for what its matter

The reason I am writing this, dedicated to my besties. They, whom I have left for past few years and I dont know exactly what happen. The things that we had already scattered and it is falling pieces by pieces. We dont have it anymore, for sure what we gain, experience in 12 years ago. Praying for happiness, it is not that hard to do. Forgiving for other, also not hard to do. Lets leave and forget everything that we had, and move on. Move on and to cheer for the future we had. Only if we know when death is coming to our ways, only that when we will more appreciated what we had around. Family, friends and life, of course. I guess, life is about forgiving each other and move forward and getting excited, thrilled for what we will have in the future. Are you really want to throw everything that we had in the past? After all 12 years, all the memory that we gained, experienced? Do I need to remind you every pieces of its? We used to play around when we were in year 6. We used to be so competitive to get the highest mark in subjects when we were in Form 1,2 and 3. We make our own way when we moved to different schools. Still, it is not stopped us from meet each other? Studying at the library? Prank for dewi, we made her a little upset and then, we bought flower and pizza? Sabindo Plaza as our meeting point? Tawau library as port to study? Getting scolded in public by our headmistress? our little tradition, to visit our teachers home during aidilfitri raya? and I know you are recalled back about the past things that we had together. When we had fun. When we are happy toegther., When we are sad. When we cherished all moments we had. I only had one questions? Are you really want to wrap everything you had with me, for 12 years and throw it away? Lets it faded away? Seriously? and I still keep the present that you gave me. I know that among three of us, Sue is the only that giving present. I still keep the card she give me. Childlish, but when I look at it, I cant stop smiling. Cause I remember of you guys. I dont even ashamed to have two girlfriends as my bestfriends. It never bothers me. But I am so gladly to have both if you. But, things are pretty scattered between us. What else can we do? It is not that we just dont have hipe anymore, but still, we choose to. We choose to separate, instead of solving it. I just had one thing in my mind, cant we forgiving each other for what its matter? Cant we? For the sake of our friendships. This is not the right thing to do, to keep ignoring. Everyone is keeping busy with their own life, but dont let it be the reason for us to ignore. Send me a simple text and asking about my day is enough. It is enough to know that you remembered me all the way even you are busy with life, busy with new commitment and I promised to do the same for you. for her. for our friendship. for everything we had. for everything that we experienced in past 12 years. for everything and prayers that we have. and if I have one last breath in this world, I will say:

can't we just forgiving each other?

2.53am

wide awake. take a break. just feel a moment to write.

tonight, it is freezing cold. accompanying by the led usb light that I bought from a friend of mine. spending three hours before go to sleep. studying very late and planning until 4am, as replacing the 3-hour power nap just this evening. this is already final year and week 6, and next week it is midsem. planning on stay inside UTP as usual since 4 days holiday is nothing.

dear moon

Aku akan kembali dalam satu purnama,
untuk mempertanyakan kembali cintanya.

All I want to see is your smile,
dont be sad, dont be gloomy,
because far away from you, but I am near.

Thursday is my favorite day,
because I got to see you, close.

should I or shouldn't I?
Just tell me something, literally.
I just need it.

here I am as final year student

It is been two weeks as my final year student and shockingly, I am damn so free. With class only happen in tuesday, wednesday and theursday while the rest is holiday. But, pretty sure next week will be a hectic week and so on. So, here I am as the final year student. what to expect? of course there will be lot of thing will happen and change and hell yeah! I am graduating by early Jan next year. It is just a matter of time and I am sure that I will miss this. I mean UTP and everything. I just want to read free stuff here. I have nothing to write but I will just share anything.

#1 "Aku akan kembali dalam satu purnama, untuk mempertanyakan kembali cintanya, bukan untuknya, bukan untuk siapa, tapi untukku, karena aku ingin kamu, itu saja" This is taken from ADA APA DENGAN CINTA and yes, I just watch that movie lately and yes, it is an old movie. Suddenly, I have the urge to watch that movie but seriously, I dont know watching second time will be different. you will understand but yet, it is the best movie so far.

#2 FYP and FYDP. still waiting for my FYP title and already assigned task for FYPD. but, the mood is not really there. So, I am just wondering and facebooking and etc. I hate it when I feel damn bored but I dont want to do anything and I have nothing to do even watching movie or drama series but still, I have the choice to study but I choose to paly around. I guess it is 'ONLY WEEK 2' symptoms where people still wandering what to do but dont know what waits in the future for them.

#3 my room decoration is the best so far I have and I love it. For picture, go for my instagram. I deco it with xmas lights and it is pretty colourful. I have my tabung london public telephone and two empty frames. Reason? I dont know what pictures to put in it. actually kind of wait wedding picture from my sister.

#4 and I have no idea what to write else. so BYE.

it is friday..

It is not that I meant to write the post as it is friday. I just dont know what title to put. So, it is friday and saturday is one of my friend wedding. He is 22 years old and his wife to be is also a friend of mine. Wish and pray them all the BEST and hope them will be happy always and forever.

Holiday is coming to the end. Me is sad. But I am so pumped up to start my final year as I heard it will be the most hectic life ever. Final year, yes I am finally. Jan 2014, everything will be change and need to be more serious and mature.

Just this holiday, I have the obsession to read again. Currently, I am reading the perks of being a wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. I watch the movie first and watch it for many times. Suit my taste because I love the songs they included in it. and the book is also as awesome as like the movie. But, I am still looking for some books, to add as my collection. Aku melayu di Kota Inggeris by Dr Muhaimin Sulam, he is my IKS and MS lecturer. I am kind of impressed with him for his thoughts and everything. He is majoring in political science and made me think last year, to pursuit political science. It is an interesting area and really opened my eyes to political world when I attend his class for the first time. Anthem by Hlovate, I am so crazy looking for this book too. Just every time I found the bookstore, the books are already finished. out of stock. So, what can I do. Just wait and wait.

so, itu saja buat masa ini. peace yo!

so it is the time..

here, I am back writing back in blog. Dont know what stopped me actually. So, lets keep writing more and more, will ya?

So, yesterday is my last day in PETRON and I am glad to have seven months internship there and of course, there are happy, sad and happy thought and experience I have back there. and I am so gonna miss everyone there especially my supervisor and SSHE staff. you guys awesome and hope we can meet again in the future and that time, insyaALLAH I am an engineer. :)

With the end of internship, it means that UTP is the next one. Of course I am terrified to go back to UTP as final year student and it is awesome. cant wait the study, friends and lecturer. Lets see ya soon? and come back to UTP, I need to decide what major I want to take and after a very long long thought, I go with Process Plant Engineering (PPE). Why I did choose it? First, one of the major subject is Heat Integration. I wanna be an engineer that specialized in heat exchanger. I dont know what took me but just this heat exchanger is an amazing equipment. I like how complicated it is looks, even the formula but I already covered maybe about 60% of the PPD when I took last year. So, I think it is just another 40% new stuff and I think I can deal with it. I dont care if you say that PPE is very hard, and also said that you will be very busy. Never mind all of that because of course, find some time to study and revise, also your assignments. It will be easy and hopefully things will turn out well. See? How I am trying to think positive? It is not even the first day of my final year but I am so pumped to go back to UTP. Lets have it, BITCH! Lets all stop with the complaining. I am not telling you that complaining is not good, just for me it is just another way of stand up for yourself. But sometime, it is better to just accept and happy with what we have. Think positive and try to turn thing around. If it is not fixed for you, find another. You can create your own pathways and for me, PPE is the answer. So, see ya soon in UTP :)